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Submission FYI
Missing her
by Julie-Marie Eckert
© June 20, 2001
I sit here alone now and missing her. I look out the window and see images of her.
I see her playing with the boys and laughing. I reach out to touch her, but she is not there.
This image that I see is but a memory. How cold and cruel the memory can be.
The aching I feel deep down inside. I wonder if it will subside in time.
She made me feel so alive. I wanted for nothing with her by my side.
Now I am alone and empty. I know not where to turn.
My arms can still feel her. My lips can still taste her.
My eyes can still see her, though she is not here. Her memory lingers.
I cannot begin to understand what I am feeling. I feel so desperate for her that it hurts.
What do I do to pass the time? Can I even make it through?
I know that I should be strong for her. I am trying, but don't seem to have the strength.
I am afraid to sleep. She comes to me in my dreams.
When I wake the pain of reaching out for her kills me. I am alone in my sadness.
It kills me to think of her crying herself to sleep. I miss her.
Her soul and mine have spent many lifetimes together. The memories come flooding back when I'm with her.
I say a single prayer. "Dear God, let us get it right this time".
I send letters, e-mails, poems and cards every day. It helps me feel close to her somehow.
The truth is still there at the end of the day. I am here, simply missing her.
For Nadine, I am but half of a whole without you.
~~~
Hold you
by Julie-Marie Eckert
© June 9, 2001
To see your face
And hold you tight
To watch your hair
Shining in the light
To lay with you
Apart from the rest
Giving each other
Our very best
To hear your voice
And kiss your lips
To run my hand
Across your hips
To lay beside you
Held in your arms
And know that in them
I will come to no harm
To feel your breath
Across my face
To feel the beat
Of your heart race
To touch your body
And feel you shake
To know that with you
Is how I will wake
To taste the sweetness
Of your skin
And watch your mouth
Curl in a grin
To lay with you
And hold you tight
How it would feel
Oh so right
To close my eyes
And hold you tight
To feel our hearts
Take off in flight
To feel the love
Coming from you
For you to know
I feel the same too
To sense the fire burning
Deep down inside
And feel the waves
Of love like a tide
To be lost in your arms
For just one night
If only to hold you
Just for tonight
To Nadine, who stirs my soul.
~~~
Saying Good-bye
by Julie-Marie Eckert
© June 20, 2001
As a child you were always there for me.
You never left me wanting for anything.
Your smile lit up my life.
Your strength gave me courage.
You never once raised your voice to me.
Nor did you ever raise your hand in anger.
Your blood runs through my veins.
Your soul is bound with mine.
I watched you transform.
You were so strong and invincible to me.
Now I see a weak and feeble body.
You can’t even lift your own body.
It is the middle of Winter.
The snow outside so cold.
I get ready for work knowing I should stay.
I come in and say good-bye to you.
I bend down and kiss your forehead.
I tell you that I love you.
My heart is heavy in my chest.
The tears are welling up in my eyes.
I remember just the night before.
I laid in the chair beside your bed.
Your breathing so shallow and labored.
Seeing you reach out to the next world.
You held on to this life longer than expected.
I told you last night that I would be ok.
I let you know that it was ok for you to leave me.
I promised to take care of Grandma and Mom.
I turn away from you and leave.
I drive to the Funeral Home to make the arrangements.
I sit across from a man I have never met.
I pick out your tombstone, so cold.
I walk into work in a daze.
I feel as though I should leave and come home to you.
I know what it means when the phone rings.
It is the call I have dreaded all my life.
I run to my car in hopes of having one more minute with you.
I pull into the driveway and rush into the house.
The look on her face told me everything.
I was 3 minutes too late.
I walk into your room and see you.
I reach out and touch you.
Your body is still warm from the life you just left.
I try to grasp it in my mind.
I cannot comprehend that you are gone.
The tears are stinging my face.
They burn like a flame.
I turn and leave you once again.
I go to the phone and call them.
The Hearse arrives soon after.
The house is so silent and still.
Grandma is hiding, heartbroken.
I go into your room with them.
I grab the sheet under you and support your head.
I help them place your cold, lifeless body on their cart.
I look down at your face.
I do not recognize you any longer.
Your face is pale and sunken.
Where is the life I once knew?
You can’t be him.
I gently take the sheet and wrap it around you.
I feel so guilty.
I know that you can see me.
And I want to die.
We zip up the black bag which contains you now.
Is this all that your life has come to?
I follow numbly as we place you in the Hearse.
I can hear you calling out to me.
I can’t grasp what you went through next.
The fire, the burning.
God, I hope it did not hurt you.
I am so sorry.
I lay your ashes in the ground.
This little box is all that’s left of you.
You life nothing more than a memory now.
I cover you with dirt.
Tears are streaming down my face.
You were my life, my light.
What do I do now?
How do I go on?
I look around me now and wonder where you are.
All of your things that were you disappear.
I feel as though I am losing you.
If only I had one more day to share with you.
The memory of your life makes me smile.
But the memory of your death haunts me.
Your hollow face comes to me in my sleep.
I am finally letting go of you, Grandpa.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore.
Please try to understand.
It simply means one thing.
I don’t want to be afraid of the night anymore.
I love you.
Good-bye.
For Grandpa, the greatest man I have ever known.
~~~
Heaven
by Julie-Marie Eckert
© June 21, 2001
I lay there on the bed listening to the water.
I know that it is hot, and rushing over your body.
I close my eyes and imagine you.
The vision is more than I can bear.
The water shuts off, and I listen intently.
My heart starts beating faster.
I am so nervous that I can’t think.
My thoughts are fuzzy.
You come to where I lay on the bed.
You lay your body on mine.
Once again your leg is pressed between mine.
The look you give me makes me gasp slightly.
You kiss me without a word spoken.
My body soars at your touch.
I run my fingers through your hair.
My body presses to yours without care.
You pull back and leave me once more.
I see that almost evil smile I know so well.
You walk away, and start to dry your hair.
I get up slowly and head for the shower.
I am dizzy from your kiss.
I turn on the water and look in the mirror.
My eyes are the bright color you love.
I sigh to myself.
I get undressed, and step into the heat.
The water almost feels cool across my hot skin.
I can think of only you.
I wonder what you are thinking.
I finish quickly, and get dressed for sleep.
I have no expectations of lovemaking.
It is all I can do to walk.
I come to you still damp, and hot.
I lay down beside you.
We kiss and we embrace.
I get lost in the feel of you.
My heart is about to explode.
I run my hand slowly across your body.
I can feel the heat from you.
My body is on fire.
I cannot speak.
I run my hand up the inside of your thigh.
Your body jerks.
The moan that comes from you fuels my desire.
I don’t want this to end.
I promised you that it would not happen until you were ready.
I pull back and ask if you want me to stop.
You look at me with such desire.
Your answer is "God, no"
I lean in to kiss you once more.
It’s different this time.
You hold nothing back.
I reach down with my hand, and find Heaven.
For Nadine, you take me to heaven here on earth.
~~~
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